I just wish my mind wasn't always straining to think ahead ten or twenty years, wondering if all my screw-ups now will come back to haunt me. Most of the seasoned Moms I know (including my own) assure me that it will definitely feel that way once my kids become teenagers. I expect that. But what matters most to me and what I fret about endlessly is a simple, ego-driven desire: I want Sonja to like me.
My ego is a troublesome imp. At the same time that it wants desperately to be liked, it also can't stand being challenged by the likes of an almost-three-yearl-old girl. I honestly wish it would butt out of this whole parenting thing, because when it gets involved, things tend to deteriorate quickly. I do have some success: I've gotten good at taking deep breaths and even walking away momentarily in order to calm down and view the situation rationally. But I also have total breakdowns where the situation plays directly into my ego's impish, whiny hands. Luckily I have no problem explaining to Sonja that I'm not perfect and I get frustrated and I'm sorry. She is always gracious and ready with a kiss.
The reality is that when Sonja loses her temper, it looks a heck of a lot like when I would lose my temper as a kid. ...not that different than when I lose my temper now, if I'm being honest. And my tantrums aren't that different from the ones I remember my Mom having. Damn it.
I just keep telling myself that as long as I remain as genuine and authentic with my kids as I possibly can, everything will work out. ...but I still hope they like me.
Photos of Sonja and me taken June 17th, 2008.
Funny what our concerns are - about being liked. I seem bent on not necessarily being liked but being "The Mom" Funny. All unique. All the same. Thanks for this post.
ReplyDeleteMy babe is only 5 1/2months old but I have the very same concerns. But then I think of the love I have for my Mom and it gives me comfort that she will not only like me, but love me a whole lot. Not because I am anywhere near perfect, but because I am her Mom and I try my best and I love her. And I don't think my Mom was perfect but I don't remember those moments, I only remember all the good things and how much she loves me and I smile and hope my daughter will feel the same. You are an amazing Mom, SJ and there may be moments where Sonja and Haven don't like what you are wanting them to do but I am sure they will always like you. And the fact that you are even aware of your ego's whiny hands tells me you and your girls will be just fine.
ReplyDeleteIt is scary, though, how like we are to our Moms....my meltdowns and tantrums are exactly the same as hers which bugs me so much but oh well, I love her.
I think our concerns are all the same, but my mom told me something when Keith was a baby that I didn't understand then, but I do now. She said that there will be periods of time when my son will NOT like me at all just as I didn't at the time her, but your determination to love unconditionally will be there no matter what, and when the child in you is DONE being angry, you will not only love me as your mom, but you will like me as a person. It was exactly how she said it would be.... I was such a jerk! I am also sure Keith and Emily will go through this too.
ReplyDelete