Thursday, June 30, 2011

June 30th, 2007.

Happy Anniversary, Peter. 


I've loved you for almost fifteen years and today marks four years since we married. Thank you for loving me, thank you for standing for me, thank you for the family we've created together. 


Thank you for crashing my pity parties and not putting up with my penchant for wallowing. I know (at least I remind myself) that I am beautiful and deserving and I know it because after years of you telling me, I've finally figured out that it's true. And it's no coincidence that that realization and the birth of our daughters happened at around the same time.


I love you. Here's to a lifetime. 













Wednesday, June 29, 2011

Hearts and minds.

Lost my mojo. Ran out of gas. Ground to a halt.

However you look at it, there's not much happening over here at Once Little. When I sit down to write, I draw a complete blank and although it's frustrating, my overwhelming reaction is "meh." I've been amassing a bunch of great photos, but when I sit down to write something to accompany them, my eyes begin to glaze over. When it comes to writing, I think I'm officially blocked.

What to do? At the moment, I'm not terribly upset about it, but it does annoy me to see days and days between posts after I posted daily for so long. 

It irks me. I'm irked.

But there's another part of me that believes that when I have something to say, I'll start writing again and I will be happier with the result than if I spend all my energy forcing myself to create something that just isn't there. 

When it comes to this blog, I need my heart to be bigger than my head. Until now, I never realized how much hearts and minds can shrink and expand in proportion to one another. Here's hoping that things swing back into my favour very soon.



Friday, June 24, 2011

Birdies in a nest.

Tweet, tweet! 








Cute, right? Too bad I didn't get a shot of Haven trying to gouge Sonja's eyes out...



Friday, June 17, 2011

Peanut butter.

I am a staunch believer that peanut butter (or more accurately the peanut in it’s original form, as peanut butter, or in a sauce or similar condiment), goes with just about everything. Years ago while on an all-girls Spring Break camping trip to Gabriola Island, I experienced the wonder of peanut butter on falafel; it was glorious, although I do realize that anything even remotely decent tastes glorious while camping. I’ve many times touted the simple delight of a peanut-butter-and-dill-pickle sandwich and before you ask, I’ve been eating them since I was a teenager, way, way before I ever became pregnant. Peanuts in stir fry, peanuts in salad, peanut butter in sauces and dressings, on ice cream, spread over apple slices... whether sweet or savoury, peanuts can and will take your food to the next level. To this end, I have never understood people who don’t like peanut butter and feel sorry for those who are allergic, although an allergy is a completely understandable excuse for not partaking of this spirited legume; not liking it is, to me, simply beyond comprehension. I am certain that the peanut haters are just as passionate in their argument and I respect that (even though they are wrong).
Peanut butter and I go back a long way. I don’t hesitate when asked what my comfort foods are; the first thing that comes to mind is peanut butter on toast, since it was the easiest thing to make when I was a kid and I happily ate it again and again. Of course I have many other comfort foods, but they are mostly things I grew to love as I grew older. Peanut butter is the one comfort food that stretches right back to my early childhood.
There are a few things I can’t imagine going well with peanuts. A peanut-butter-and-cheddar-cheese sandwich sounds just awful, although I’ve never had occasion to try it. But I think peanuts and cheese could indeed go together in the proper application; I have seen recipes for peanut-butter cheesecake and a salad with a peanutty-goat-cheese dressing. You just need to be creative.
When my brother Keith’s last girlfriend got up to say a few words at his memorial service back in 1998, she told a story about having breakfast at one of their favourite diners. They had just received their meals, the usual eggs/meat/toast affair, and Keith was teasing her about something. Keith loved to tease the people that he loved. He took great pleasure in getting a reaction from you, whether it was one of pleasure, disgust or even anger. I honestly think he saw a reaction of disgust as a victory; I will never forget his roaring laughter at making me squeamish about something and once he knew the way in, he would employ it again and again. The thing is, at least with me, he was never cruel about it; he never wanted me to be truly upset, just flustered. 
I can’t remember what Keith was teasing her about and it doesn’t really matter; what matters is what he did to finally get his desired rise out of her. Keith slathered a piece of toast with peanut butter and added a heaping forkful of scrambled eggs drowned in ketchup. Then, looking her straight in the eye, he brought that breakfast aberration up to his lips, took a huge bite and chewed it with a big grin on his face while she grimaced and gagged. 

Everyone at the memorial service laughed at this story and those who knew Keith well nodded their heads, likely remembering a time when Keith had subjected them to something similar. I could easily think of a few instances, but the thought that rolled through my mind was, “Leave it to Keith to bring to my attention the one thing I can’t imagine going with peanut butter: ketchup.” I haven't been able to look at a plate of scrambled eggs the same way since.

I can clearly see the wicked twinkle in his eye, I can hear his pleased and pleasing laughter; I've imagined it so many times, it almost feels like my own memory, as if I were the one sitting across from Keith that morning. I've embellished this story in my mind and made it my own over these last thirteen years. In my imagined recollection, I've played up my disgust in order to revel in his delight and in doing so, I've realized that I had always done this; I had always protested a little too much and too loudly because as much as it pleased Keith to make me squirm, it was just as fun to watch him enjoy my squirming. 

In some way, I've come to think of this story as my last true memory of Keith. It's likely that my heart and mind simply willed this memory into existence; the shock of losing Keith after not seeing him for at least six months left me scrambling to fill a chasm I felt complicit in creating. It's also likely that I will never stop formulating a final conversation with Keith in my mind; I've rehearsed what I would tell him thousands of times and knowing that he will never hear it has never stopped me from thinking of just one more thing to say. But aside from the obvious proclamations of love, my side of the conversation almost always starts by wondering if peanut butter and ketchup could ever co-exist. After that, I would happily sit back and wait to be disgusted.



Saturday, June 11, 2011

Afternoon off.

Haven was napping and Peter was getting some work done, so Sonja and I took off and went to Saxe Point Park. We tried flying the kite, but there wasn't enough wind, so Sonja hopped on her bike and we wandered the trails. 

As usual, I had to take about fifty photos; here are some of the better ones.

Pretend pout; she was having a blast.


Contemplation.

"Let's go this way!"



"Weeee...."

Contemplation, part two.

"This way?" 

"Okay."

"Hmm. What's that letter..?"

"Oh, right. Put the camera down, you loser."

No, she didn't really say that, but it was just too perfect to resist.



Tuesday, June 7, 2011

Mud holes and tears.


The plan was to drive up to Peter's parents' yesterday morning and help out in their garden. It's something I've needed to do for a long while, since they always give us so much beautiful produce throughout the summer and fall months. Peter often goes up to help out, but with the kids being so little, I've found it hard to contribute. So I made a commitment to go up at least once a week (weather permitting) in the morning before it gets too hot out and before Haven's nap.






I just assumed that the girls would play around in the dirt and grass and have a great time getting dirty, but unfortunately I was only half correct. Sonja had a blast making a huge, goopy mud hole and helping Joyanna plant a couple rows of bean plants, but Haven disintegrated into a crying, snotty mess every time I attempted to put her down. Strange, considering she normally jumps at any opportunity to pull grass and throw it in the air, or taste dirt clods when I'm not looking.









I always end up feeling somewhat out of sorts when a plan doesn't come together. In this case, I felt a bit useless just standing around, but as Joyanna pointed out, it was Haven's first real time in the garden and it will likely take a few times before she feels comfortable. I'm fairly sure that once that happens, I will spend a lot of time trying to keep her out of trouble, but at least I might be able to get some work done.






So instead of working, we (and by 'we', I guess I mean the girls) ended up playing; sandbox, swing set, trampoline. Strangely enough, Haven wasn't too enthralled with any of it, but Sonja had a fabulous time. I'm not sure if Haven's teething, of fighting something, or whether she was just a grumpy girl yesterday, but it was a bit odd to see her crying in the sandbox, a place she normally fights to get into and cries big fat tears when we have to leave.






I hope that the weather is just as gorgeous next week when we try this again. I also hope that Haven is in a better mood and is her usual dirt-loving self. In the meantime, I'm happy that even though I didn't get to help out as planned, I did get some pretty fun photos. Well worth the trip.