I'll take the run.

Anytime before 6am is just too damn early. If I was dealing with adults instead of a toddler and a baby, I would tell them that, but alas. And so the growl-mutter began this morning when I finally dragged myself out of bed at around 6.01. After getting Sonja her juice and starting on breakfast and tea, I eventually found myself standing in the living room, my hands on my head, my eyes squeezed shut, growl-muttering, "get me outta here get me outta here get me outta here". Sonja was running around with no pants and Haven was sitting on the floor and crying, surrounded by toys she had no interest in. Not my finest moment. 


I've had plenty of these moments and so has every other Mom I know. I think of them as the "I hate my life (but really I don't, it just feels good right now to say I do)" moments. I think the name is pretty self-explanatory.


The growl-mutter is almost the same as the woe-is-me-whine, but it sounds angrier. And it only sounds angrier because it's desperate. When the growl-mutter shows up, it's time to take measures. In the case of this morning it meant I needed to put on my running shoes and run it off, so I packed the girls into the stroller and off we went.


But I still tried to talk myself out of running at least three times! I was dressed to go, but I picked up a pair of jeans and started to take my running shoes off. Three times. Thank goodness I stopped myself each time until we finally left the house. I guess I've been a runner long enough to know that almost going for a run is far worse than choosing not to go from the outset; once those shoes are on, the contract has been signed.


Why, if these moments are so awful and infuriating would I try to talk myself out of a solution? Is it easier to just get sucked down into the vortex? It's the same as when Sonja throws a tantrum with an obvious and easy solution and when she flat-out refuses my help, I'll ask her "Baby, are you happy right now?" She always says no, but she continues with her behaviour regardless. Apparently an easy solution is actually harder than staying in the painful moment. ...Or maybe changing tack is just too difficult, once you've invested so much of your energy into being upset.


I don't know if I've been a parent long enough to know ahead of time that my emotions and stress just rubs off on my kids. I mean, I see it in retrospect but I've had limited success nipping it in the bud before things escalate. Instead, my emotions and the girls' reception of those emotions just feeds the same vicious cycle until something finally snaps. Today I broke the cycle by going for a run. Other times, nothing stops until everyone is in tears. 


Um, I'll take the run, thank you very much.