Too often, I feel like Sonja gets passed over in favour of Haven, since Haven is always demanding to be held and picked up and Sonja is so capable and independent. And I'm usually right: Sonja's behaviour exasperates me sometimes and after scrolling through and eliminating every reason I know, the only thing left is her need for my attention.
I've even taken to telling her that it's OK to tell me that she needs me; in fact I want her to tell me, just like I want her tell me when she's upset or angry with me. I realize that Sonja has a hard time identifying and voicing her feelings (she's not quite three-years old, remember), but I desperately want her to learn how and I hope Peter and I and the rest of our family can effectively support her in doing so. Sounds simple enough, but speaking my feelings is something I have struggled with all my life and I always feel that it's as frustrating for me as it is for those around me. It can be agonizing and paralyzing.
Over time I've come to see that my fear of speaking up is rooted in my fear of disappointing others and also my fear of having others depend on me in case (or in my mind, the eventuality that) I disappoint them. And I sometimes wonder if this is the case with Sonja, since she has no problem at all telling Peter, me and Haven that she loves us. (As an aside, there is nothing in the world more lovely than hearing your child tell you that they love you.)
I want Sonja to grow up knowing less fear and more confidence. Speak up, baby girl.
I think the fear of speaking up and saying what we really want to say is a common fault or rather, struggle, in many people. Sometimes we just have to take the plunge into those deep waters. Say what we have to say and get it over with, whatever the outcome. I think children and animals don't put those barriers up like adults do. Take Jed for example, he's always letting you know how much he'd love to be eating table scraps!
ReplyDelete