Mistrust.

I'll never forget my Grade 10 English class.  I don't think I handed in more than a handful of assignments the entire semester and it was due to sheer laziness and spending too much time hanging out with my friends.  Plus I thought the other kids in the class were idiots and for some reason, this was justification.  At the end of the semester, right before the final exam, my teacher asked me to stay after class and told me that although she expected me to be there to write the exam, there was no way I was going to pass her course; I just didn't hand in enough assignments.  She was a nice woman and I could tell she was disappointed, but I could also see that she was exasperated with me and her aside (from my perspective) was a little "I told you so."

I wrote the exam and scored 96%.  I failed the course, even with one of the highest percentages on the test.

Apparently I am feeling very introspective lately.  I just noticed that four of the last five posts have been mostly about me and how I am feeling about certain thoughts and events in my life; I've been taking stock, as it were.  Well, yesterday's post about Trust has served only to further this trajectory.  

Last night, after publishing my post, I started thinking about my feelings on trust beyond just trusting someone with my physical well being.  Logically, I started thinking about my trust and my mistrust in myself.  And where I've ended up is exactly where I could feel myself going yesterday, but where I was not willing to go at that time: my mistrust in myself wins over my trust almost every time.

Think about the saying "you don't know if you don't try."  I have hated this saying my whole life, because I've heard it countless times from everyone from teachers to boyfriends to family members.  I've always thought it a copout; something people say but they would never put into action for themselves.  I've been pretty certain of the outcome of things before I even attempt them: I've been certain on several occasions that I would fail.  

To my teachers in high school, I looked like an underachiever.  I skipped classes, I didn't hand in homework, I failed or barely squeaked by.  But I was not necessarily an underachiever according to the dictionary definition, because when I wanted to achieve something, I usually did it very well.  The problem was when I didn't feel confident in my abilities.  If I wasn't confident and I didn't feel supported, I would back out of something entirely, or do it poorly.  And I usually backed out.  To me, backing out and not trying something at all was far preferable to attempting something and failing at it.

My Grade 10 English class wasn't necessarily a good example of not feeling supported, or not being confident, but it is a great example of my unwillingness to claw my way out of a proverbial hole.  This is another facet of my mistrust in myself: I'm sure that if I start trying to get out of the hole, I will only end up with more dirt and a wider hole.  Once I started skipping classes and missing assignments, my mindset became, "Well, why bother?  I'm already so far behind."  And this way of thinking carried me successfully through to a big fat F.  It has also kept me from realizing several unspoken dreams and desires throughout my life.

I once had a friend who pointed out that I would often start sentences by saying "I'd love to", as in "I'd love to try acting", or "I'd love to sing in a band" or "I'd love to go to Cuba".  He asked why I didn't implement any of these desires and find out what they would actually feel like, instead of just talking about them.  I was beyond annoyed.  I mean, everyone talks about the things they'd like to do and be, right?  Right.  But what's more interesting and what's more alive; being the person who talks about doing things, or being the person who dares you to do them?  

And even better: being the person who gets out there and goes for it.