Persevere.

I've written many, many times about trying to keep my emotions in check while navigating the thought processes of a toddler/young child. Writing about it helps me keep some perspective; I feel accountable to stay on top of things once it's written down. 


The problem I've discovered over the last couple of months (when I was conspicuously absent from this blog) is that when I don't take a minute on a regular basis to reflect and ruminate on my relationship with my children, things steadily unravel.

Sonja and I have had some pretty heated moments these last few weeks and I've definitely struggled. Things came to a head yesterday and I realized that it took me falling completely apart to see that my actions, inactions, strategies and overall attitude is a far bigger problem than anything Sonja could ever dream up.

I won't bore you with the details, but it basically comes down to this: there's the type of parent I want to be and the type of parent I'd prefer not to be and I always have a choice in the matter. Even when I'm tired, even when I'm pre-menstrual and utterly irrational, even when I'm lazy, even when I'm busy, even when I'm feeling completely done. The truth is, I'm one or more of these things every single day and they are all sad excuses. 


No excuse is good enough when I'm getting angry at my child for essentially just being a child.

So out come the strategies: the things I can say or do, the ways I can lead by example, the methods I can employ to nurture instead of thwart, listen instead of tell, hear instead of dismiss. If I wonder why Sonja is yelling or getting angry, why am I surprised when I realize she's learning it from me? And seriously, haven't I been over this ground dozens of times before?? 


Breathe. 


Yes I have, but there's huge value in being able to recognize when I need to be mindful. Again and again, if necessary. Remember: some people don't ever see it...

I will stop looking at baby pictures of Sonja, wondering where my baby went, because it makes me feel bad when I think like that. And so it should; my baby is the one I'm arguing with and she needs me to give my head a shake and live with her in the present. Those eyes don't lie to me, as long as I ask the right questions. "Where did my baby go?" is not the right question. "How are you, my Baby?" while simple, is actually a big step in the right direction.


She. Is. Right. In. Front. Of. Me. 

History shows that I will revisit this topic. Probably several, several times. 


I don't learn very quickly, but I do persevere.