Motivations.

I've spent some time lately thinking about myself as a kid.  What made me tick?  What did I think about and what were my motivations?  The thing I keep coming back to was my need to be noticed, my need to be validated.  Nothing new here; these are common needs for most kids.  But what I came to realize is that I've never gotten over this, I've never not craved validation and recognition.  The funny thing is, when I am noticed, I cringe away from it , or I make it out to be less than it is.  In effect, I do exactly the opposite of what I want deep inside.  Is this behaviour just something I learned along the way somewhere - am I telling myself that to bask in the glow is shameful or wrong?  And would I want my kids to behave the same way?  

Well, the truth is that Sonja does behave this way.  When she is recognized for something, most of the time she frowns and turns away.  And it baffled me at first until I looked at myself and said "ah."  Well, actually, if I'm going to be honest, I said "Holy shit, she's just like me.  Crap."  And then I cut myself some slack.  Is being like me all that bad?  Is it?  And then I had to actually consider that.  Is being like ME all that BAD?  And for the first time in longer than I can remember, I recognized and validated myself.  I am a good role model for my daughters.  I am a kind person.  I have a good sense of humour and I appreciate beauty.  I could go on, but it just makes me feel silly.  Alas.  

The point is that the little girl who wanted to be seen is now raising two little girls who want to be seen.  And really, who is better qualified?